Oh, this gauntlet here? This old thing? Yeah; it’s been thrown.
Taking a cue from the @NHL, I’m planning to jump Trebek and pummel him in an effort to fire up my staff and prove my manhood.
— Pat Sajak (@patsajak) November 5, 2013
This clearly needs to happen. Clearly. So we thought we would help any potential handicappers (looking at you, Bovada) by going through the tale of the tape.
WHEEL. OF. BEATDOWNNNNNN.
Height: Trebek is listed at 5’7 and Sajak is listed at 5’10, but those are TV heights. (Plus, the contestants on Wheel of Fortune are on individual lifts to make them all the same height — and the same height relative to Pat.) So we’ll say the 4’6 Sajak has a slight reach advantage over the 3’2 Trebek. TINY FIGHTIN’
Weight: They appear to be in the same weight class (suits), but don’t be fooled by fine tailoring. Trebek will be punching above his weight here. Sajak is beefier than you’d think and loves him some hockey, so he’ll be a tough takedown. Trebek is wiry and spry, though. He’ll be slippery. Can he force the pace of the plodding Sajak?
Record: Trebek has apprehended a burglar as recently as 2011. It is worth mentioning that the burglar was 56 years old.
Age: Pat Sajak is 67. Alex Trebek is 73 years old. ALEX TREBEK IS 73 YEARS OLD. HE IS FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN JIM LEYLAND. He has had two heart attacks. My god, what have we done? Sajak, you monster.
Intangibles: Sajak is great at spelling and has a trustworthy corner in Vanna White. Trebek knows everything there is to be known. If Trebek grows back the mustache for the fight, it may give him Don Frye-like abilities. (NOTE: That may be a terrible thing.) Also worth noting: Sajak has raised the ire of Flyers fans, so expect full whiskey bottles and innumerable cheesesteaks to be thrown into the octagon during the brawl.
Of course, this fight was already envisioned on Celebrity Deathmatch, where both participants died, but Sajak got the win. If we’re handicapping this, we’re saying Sajak is the favorite at -160 and Trebek the plucky underdog is at +120. But maybe we’ll get lucky and Sajak will forget to phrase his assault in the form of a question.